Detection
About a week ago an email entitled ‘Hannah’ dropped into my inbox. It was a message from my mother letting my sisters and I know that Hannah had rung her. Our wait was over. She had made contact. There had been uncertainty and speculation over what had happened to her over the previous couple of weeks and I double clicked the message open in the hope that I might read something that would dot the Is and cross the Ts.
The two paragraph email was littered with improbable statements. My mother explained that Hannah had returned to London on counsellors’ advice following some unpleasantness in Blackpool where she was at rehab. She didn’t yet know what that said unpleasantness was. I stumbled at that very first sentence. Would an experienced drug & alcohol counsellor really send a recovering addict, fresh out of rehab, to the city she used in the most? That would be like sweet-talking a lamb to the slaughter and not even the hungriest of wolves could do that.
She went on to tell my mother she had formed a whole new network of friends she could call on at any time. Really? I found that hard to swallow given she had suposedly only been back in London for a couple of days. She had apparently cleared the flat of ‘anything bad’ and was regularly attending a day treatment centre and NA meetings in the evening. She seemed positive my mother said.
Oh how cynical I have become.
The very next day, my father got in touch to let us know that Hannah had rung again to explain to my mother what the ‘unpleasantness’ had been. She had apparently acquired a stalker while in rehab and the situation had become so bad she had to get a police injunction against him. She said this precipitated her move back to London. Again. My lie detector went into overdrive. None of it made sense. Stalkers take a while to cultivate. And the police don’t act that quickly. And would she really go to them for help in the first place? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers but I feel like I’ve been here before.
I left to go away on business the day after she made contact and I thought I would be too busy to really process it. As I was leaving, I felt annoyed more than anything else. Rehab hadn’t worked – again. She was trying to dupe us – again. And to top it off, my parents were careering towards heartache and sleepless nights – again. While I was away, my annoyance evolved and one evening I was overcome with emotion when talking about her to family. I hadn’t expected the tears, I usually feel them coming. They must have been just hanging out in the background, waiting for an opportunity to flow. I am glad they came. The day they stop I will know I have given up on Hannah.
Over the course of the week, I couldn’t pick up the phone to my mother. I knew she was down and I couldn’t guarantee to be supportive and understanding. I was frightened that my upset around the lies would come out and my mother would feel as if I was attacking her. Every time she tells us what she has heard – she always follows it with a protective clause stating she is only ‘reporting’ what Hannah has told her. She is the messenger. She always has been. And we all know happens to them…
I waited a while and we spoke last night. I felt calmer and more resigned to the situation. We didn’t reallly talk about Hannah. Sometimes its nice not to. She sounded much more upbeat than I was expecting. It was my father’s birthday and it had been a good day. Four of his five daughters had called in the morning and I’m sure we all silently wondered whether Hannah would call too. I found out this morning she had. My father said she had sounded ‘confident’ and ‘control’. She said she had a month left to go at her day treatment centre.
Did I mention my inner lie detector was now finely tuned?
I analyse every word. I think I always have. I am a PR professional and over time I have become astute at deciphering hidden messaging in even the simplest of sentences. Hannah has herself become the Mistress of Spin. I can see what she is doing. But unlike us career communicators, she hasn’t troubleshot her statements. I used to want to unearth the truth. But today, it feels like there is no point. I can pretty much guess what she is doing. I just wish she wouldn’t put so much effort and energy into coming up with detailed scenarios for us and refocus on it all onto herself and getting better.
Now I know why you’re such a good writer – you’re a professional! Your posts are a pleasure to read. Thank you.
I so identify with your cynicism and description of Hannah as the “Mistress of Spin”. I, too, have become a master investigator. I’m sure that it could be a very profitable career field for me. I’ve learned to dissect every statement, story, and motive. And, I think about what my daughter could accomplish in life if she spent less time kidding herself and manipulating every one around her.
You must feel helpless being so far away from Hannah. It sounds as if she is quite accomplished at fooling her parents. We parents can be so gullible – and so desperately want to believe our children. Peggy
Peggy,
Its so good to see you here. Hayley and Hannah could be two peas in a pod! They are both so bright and like you, I long for that energy to go into something positive.
Hannah is a real pro at duping us all. And when we find out she has, we feel really foolish for not having seen it coming. I just hope my parents can protect themselves a bit this time. But I guess its not really fair for me to expect them to not have hope and faith in her…as you say, you want to believe your children.
And so it continues!
Thinking of Hayley and hoping Day 3 is going well!
it always amazed me how much effort they could put into seeming ‘normal’ and how transparent that effort and the ‘lie’ was to us mums…not funny, but true nonetheless.
Dawn – you are so right. The effort and the lies can be so far fetched you can’t believe they are actually doing it. Do you think they realise or are they so deeply in it they start to believe its the truth themselves?
On the other hand, I was thinking just this morning that despite knowing as much as I do about heroin and its effects, when Hannah was using under my roof I had no idea. One always thinks of an addict as someone totally incoherent and incapable of functioning – that can be true at times but there are other moments when they come across so lucid and in control you can’t help but question yourself.
This is one complex disease.
they believe them. it never ceases to amaze me the things my daughter still says, i just look at her with a perplexed look on my face.
for me (her) it’s been just at 11 years now.
she remembers the last 11 years MUCH differently than we do.
she remembers being the best mother around. i remember a 4 year old being left alone upstairs and watching porn at 3 am (thats when i went and got the kids)
she remembers doing homework with the oldest. i remember the school calling and saying there was no one to get her off the bus (age 4, kindergarten). mom was passed out on the couch with the 18 mo old running around the house.
yeah, they believe their own lies. sad, but true.
i think they create a fantasy world where they are not nearly as bad as reality shows they are so that they can live with themselves and the destruction they cause.
if they lie to themselves and it puts them in a better light, they don’t have to own their addiction or the ramifications of it.
Dawn,
I think you hit the nail on the head when you say they do it so they can live with themselves and the destruction they cause. The shame and despair of it must cause them must manifest itself in some way.
I was so saddened to hear about your grandchildren. Thank goodness they are safe and with you now. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to go through that. And for 11 years. I am 3 years in and it already feels interminable…I guess thats why we have to try and put ourselves first because its not possible to live on a cliff edge for years at a time. Easier said than done….
Thank goodness for this support network.
Yah, but the 11 years has made me harsh toward junkies. It’s a problem. Sigh. I don’t feel sorry for them. I don’t help them. I don’t care if they suffer.
See? Harsh. Like I said. Ask anyone.
On the other hand, those who get clean, I am happy for them, proud of them, fucking ecstatic that they got clean and pray they stay that way.
but that is ALL the investment I put into a junkie.
know why? Because is it like useless to do anything else.
Junkies will use until they either quit or die. thats the truth that parents don’t want to hear, ignore and pretend isn’t the truth.
Love your daughter. don’t ask her about drugs. don’t inquire if she wants to be clean. don’t allow her to live in your home. don’t give her money.
take her to lunch, go shopping together. if she is dopesick or abscess sick stay away from her.
don’t believe me? email gledwood (http://gledwood2.blogspot.com/). he is an active and functional using heroin addict. (who by the by lives about where you do). he will tell you the truth.
After 11 years – I can understand. I’m starting to feel like I’m a hamster in a wheel – the cycle repeating and repeating itself. I guess what I find hard to come to terms with is that this is something that you can ‘live’ with for so long. For years and years in fact. For ages I thought Hannah was going to die. Everytime the phone rang I was sure it was my parents telling me she was gone. But now, I am coming to terms with the fact that she could be a heroin addict for the rest of her life and that could be a really long time..having buried her countless times in my mind, its a hard adjustment to come to but also quite liberating. I’m not saying I wouldnt do anything for it to not be like that but…well, you know.
Thanks for Gledwood’s link. I havnt been to his blog before. Do you have one too?
Thanks Dawn.
i do. ::smile:: if you just mouse over my name on this reply…it will take you there. the thing is…it is private and you need my permission to view it. email me at fractalmom1@gmail.com and i will add your email to the list and you will get an invite to the blog.
dawn